Sometimes we spend more time arguing with what happened than deciding what to do now.
We replay a conversation. We insist something shouldn’t have happened. We tell ourselves we shouldn’t feel the way we feel.
Then we become frustrated with ourselves for being frustrated.
What if those moments could teach us something?
Life is the sum of its parts
Consider a simple equation:
2 + 2 + 2 = 6
Change one of the numbers:
2 + 2 + 4 = 8
Neither answer is good or bad. Each is the complete result of the numbers that went into it.
Life works similarly. This moment is the culmination of what has happened leading up to it. Some of those things were our decisions. Others occurred outside our control.
When I describe the present moment as perfect, this is what I mean: complete or whole. The sum of the parts.
I don’t mean that everything that happened was good, fair, or desirable.
Whatever happened, here we are.
We cannot change the equation that brought us to this moment. We can decide what to contribute to the next one.
What we bring to an experience
Our experiences contribute to the development of preferences, beliefs, expectations, and habits.
We learn what we enjoy, what we fear, and how we think people should behave.
Sometimes a preference becomes an expectation. “I would like this to happen” becomes “This should happen.”
Imagine planning an outdoor activity because you enjoy sunshine. Then it rains.
The rain is an event. Your disappointment reflects, in part, the difference between what happened and what you wanted.
Someone else might welcome the same rain.
Same weather. Different experiences.
This gives us something to explore: what happened, and what did I bring to it?
Feelings are not instructions
When something happens, your body may react before you consciously understand why.
Your muscles tighten. Your heart races. You feel heat, fear, anger, or an urge to escape.
These initial reactions aren’t necessarily chosen.
But a feeling and an action are different things.
You can feel anger without yelling. You can experience an urge without immediately following it.
Awareness begins when we notice the distinction between the event, our interpretation, our feelings, and what we do next.
Resistance is a teacher
Imagine running your hand across a piece of wood.
You feel a rough spot. The friction tells you where attention may be useful.
You don’t need to become angry with the wood. You have discovered something about what you’re working with.
Resistance can serve a similar purpose.
Here, I’m using resistance to mean fighting the reality of what has happened: insisting that it should have been different, or that we cannot work with an experience until it changes.
Fear itself isn’t necessarily resistance. If you encounter danger, recognizing it and protecting yourself can be an expression of acceptance.
Acceptance does not require standing still.
But when we notice ourselves arguing with reality, we can become curious.
What expectation is involved? What belief feels threatened? What am I demanding from this moment?
Resistance isn’t bad. It is information.
Awareness comes before acceptance
Perhaps you spend two days replaying an argument before recognizing what you’re doing.
That recognition matters.
You haven’t failed because you didn’t notice sooner. You have become aware now.
Next time, you might notice after a few hours. Another time, you might recognize the pattern while it is happening. Difficult circumstances may make it harder again.
There is no required schedule.
Awareness of resistance is the beginning of acceptance. You can acknowledge:
“This is what I’m experiencing right now.”
You don’t have to understand, approve of, or agree with what happened to accept that it happened.
You don’t even have to make the resistance disappear.
Acceptance leaves room for action
Suppose Tom yells at Mark.
Mark feels angry and thinks, “He’s disrespecting me!”
Mark yells back. Tom responds. Each reaction becomes the other person’s next experience.
Another possibility is that Mark notices his anger and says, “I can talk when we’re both calmer.”
He might leave or establish a firm boundary.
Tom’s next response is still up to Tom.
Mark can choose his contribution without controlling the outcome.
Even leaving can happen from different internal places. Mark might leave and continue arguing in his head for hours. Or he might leave while acknowledging his anger and allowing himself to experience it.
And if he notices the mental argument hours later, that is another opportunity to practice.
Pain and the struggle we add
Pain and suffering can mean different things to different people.
In this framework, I use suffering to describe the additional struggle that can arise when we resist an experience.
“This hurts” acknowledges pain.
“This shouldn’t be happening” may add an argument with reality.
Acceptance may soften that additional struggle without removing the pain. Grief can remain. Physical discomfort can remain. We can still need care, support, or help.
This distinction is an invitation to notice our relationship with pain, not a reason to blame ourselves for being distressed.
Refinement has no deadline
A woodworker might begin with 80-grit sandpaper, then move to 120, 180, or something finer.
The existence of 3000-grit sandpaper doesn’t make the work done with 80 grit worthless.
Each stage has value.
The analogy describes a process of refinement, not a ranking of people.
Learning something at ninety still matters. Learning it at twenty may give us more years to benefit from it. Neither requires turning growth into a race.
We work with what we notice.
Don’t resist your resistance
There is an easy trap here.
We learn about acceptance, then decide we should be accepting. When we notice resistance, we criticize ourselves.
Now we’re resisting our resistance.
If that happens, notice it.
Now you’re aware of something else.
Resistance is not evidence that the practice has failed. Resistance is an opportunity to practice.
Start with a few questions:
- What happened?
- What am I experiencing?
- What am I resisting?
- Can I allow this experience to be what it is, including the resistance?
- What can I do now?
Notice what is happening. Allow yourself to experience it. Learn what you can.
Then return to living your life.
For a printable companion to these ideas, download my free guide, Understanding Experience, from the Resources page at ImagineMovingOn.com.
If you would like to explore these topics further, contact Paul Brodie at paul@imaginemovingon.com to discuss a coaching session.
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